Ask Amelie: the texting ten commandments

Fri, 20 Apr 2012

Dear Amelie,

I am a complete plonker when it comes to boys. I met someone really nice last week and he gave me his number, but I’m worried I’ll mess something up. When my friends are texting guys they always seem to know exactly what to do – is there some secret texting rulebook I don’t know about?

Sincerely,

Lost For Words

Dear Lost For Words,

YES. There absolutely is such a rulebook. In fact, I basically wrote it when I was on my year long sabbatical in Costa Rica. There are 10 texting commandments you must follow when texting boys you are interested in.

THE TEN TEXTING COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt not send two texts in a row.

This is a text exchange, not a text monologue, and you don’t want to scare him off.

Thou shalt only use as many “xs” as he does.

‘x’ – this is good

‘xx’ – this is also good

‘Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx’ – this is not. (Undertones of stalker, psychological instability, MAD love.)

Thou shalt adhere to the reply-time formula.

Square root the number of hours he takes to reply + the sum of your current ages.

Then minus the total instances you have considered texting him today multiplied by pi.

Now double and add 2.7. After this amount of time, you can text him.

Thou shalt length-match thy texts.

Even if he replies in a single sentence, you must do so too.

Monosyllabic text? A monosyllabic reply it shalt be.

Thou shalt never abbreviate in the style of thy fathers or mothers.

This includes ‘@’, ‘L.O.L’ (lots of love), ‘2 nite’, ‘U’, ‘Gr8’, ‘Y’. Just no.

Thou shalt avoid excessive exclamation marks and capital letters.

Unless using the key words ‘FREE ALCOHOL!!’ or ‘BEATLES REFORMATION!!!’

Thou shalt not text after midnight.

Thou will cometh across as desperate and lonely.

Thou shalt be wary of the text-initiator code.

Hello = Business-like. Textee is tolerable.

Hi = I actually might like you. Friends?

Hey = Ok I like you.

Oh hiya = I am up for anything. (‘Hiya’ alone is a little lame; a standalone ‘Oh’ is a little Welsh. See Gavin and Stacey.)

Namaste = I am a pretentious twat.

Thou shalt not, under any circumstances, text when inebriated.

Package up your phone and post it to yourself in anticipation of a big night out. Alternatively invest in a home safe. If, after a particularly messy night at the Slizzard, you cannot crack the code, you are in no fit state to text. If you do crack the safe, you are probably Charlize Theron, and are justified in texting your entire address book to inform them.